Still No Bikini

Because I had absolutely nothing better to do, I sat around and listened for Alice to arrive with my truck. I never heard her arrive, but when I went to go look out the window, there it was! Sitting in the driveway!! Like magic!! Stupid magic fairy girl.

This isn’t actually something you need to know and is merely thrown in to make the book lengthier. Did it work?

I totally expected Friday to suck. And it did suck. Like a sucky sucking thing that sucked. Like a cheap whore in a back alley. Inconsequential Girl #1 cackled gleefully because everyone thought I had fainted. I shoved a cracker in her mouth and told her to go suck Mike. She looked kind of pleased at the idea.

Whore.

She was really curious as to what Edward had wanted during lunch. I told her to bug off and finish my math homework. She grumbled and obeyed. I’d have to keep a tighter rein on her now. She was all huffy and stuff because I didn’t give her a good story to gossip about. Whore.

Friday really really sucked most because my beloved Edward wasn’t there!! SOBSOBSOB. He had even told me he wasn’t going to be there because he was going on a camping trip, but I stilled hoped against hope that he’d be there. But he wasn’t.

And gasp!! Someone didn’t like me!! It was Inconsequential Girl #3, actually. I never even talked to her!! I was going to have to beat her beatingly with something. But Mike told her to shut it and she did. Maybe I’d get him an even better collar for Christmas…

Charlie knew all the kids that were going to the beach and all their parents and all their grandparents and all their pets and all their history and stuff like that. He liked that I was going to the beach with them, God knows why. “Sure Bella, go out in the freezing cold to the beach where wind chill will push the temperature down farther.”

I woke up the next day to bright brightness shining brightly through my window. Brighteningly. The sun was out! Yay! And there was a patch of blue sky!! Yay!! Ohmigawd it was so awesome!!! It was the first time I’d seen sun in over a month!!! It was cold though, so still no bikini.

So I left the window and went out to the appointed spot to meet everyone. Inconsequential Girl #3 gave me a dirty look so I shoved a cracker in her mouth and told her to bow down to me. Bitch. Mike was happy to see me though!

The beach was very grey. The trees looked kind of grey, the sand was grey, the rocks were grey, the sky was kind of greyish blue, the water was grey.  It was greyingly grey and kind of depressing. Mike made a fire from the driftwood that came in off the ocean and it was blue. Fucking blue fire!! Apparently Mike was magical too. I’d have to keep my eye on him.

Then we went on a hike to the tidal pools. We had to hike through the woods to get to them, even though that makes no sense at all because tidal pools are generally found ON the beach, therefor not requiring us to walk through woods to get there. Except in this book because the author is an idiot.

When we got back, Indians from the nearby reservation had come to join us. I didn’t get any of their names because they’re Indians; who cares? We have their land now, what do they matter? I only got that one of their names was Jacob.

I sat with Inconsequential Girl #2. She was quiet so she never bugged me. Yay! She was my new best friend. After we ate lunch people started to scatter and do their own thing. Fuckers! They’re supposed to stay and watch me because I’m their ruling overlord! UGH! Obviously my hold on them was slipping… Probably due to Inconsequential Girl #1 and #3. They were bitch whores. I’d have to kill them later.

Jacob came over and told me my name. What the hell? Again? Was this a time skip and I was back at the first day of school? Why couldn’t anyone just realize that yes, I was the prettiest person there therefor I had to be Bella. Duh. But apparently I knew his family! So, since he was cute and all that, I spent the next bit of time stroking his ego and talking about cars, a subject I had already admitted to knowing nothing about!

Then Inconsequential Girl #3 decided to butt in and pretend to be better than me. Jacob shut her up though. I think I found my new lost puppy! It was so cute, watching him brush her off inconsequentialness. I batted my lashes at him and cooed.

“Come walk with me,” I said, still cooing cooingly. He had won my adoration because he shut up a bitch. Yay! So even though I was seventeen and he was fifteen, I flirted shamelessly. “So, what was that big tall man who’s name I think is Mondo Pain say about the Cullens?” I asked alluringly.

“Oh, they’re not supposed to come on the reservation at all, but I can’t tell you why,” he replied, looking allured.

“Ooo, tell me why?”

“Okay, but only in a weird cryptic story.”

And so he proceeded to tell me a weird story involving werewolves and vampires. And then he said that the Cullens [i]were[/i] vampires. Haha, as if.

Then Mike and Jessica approached and Mike stared daggers at Jacob who taunted him and stuff and I just secretly flirted with Jacob ’cause I’d totally used him in order to hear about him talk about the Cullens. That wasn’t stalkerlike at all.

And we left ’cause it was gonna rain soon. Ugh.

Not Listening to You!

I skipped off to English in a daze because skipping is awesome and I was just so shocked that Edward actually couldn’t keep himself away from me. Well, I wasn’t all that shocked because everyone loves me, but I didn’t have to work to bring him around which I thought I would have to do. But I didn’t because I’m just so amazing.

Even though I was late I didn’t get in trouble like most people would because I’m amazing and can get away with whatever I want. Perks of being an amazingly gorgeous and smart princess.

Mike wasn’t sitting next to me today but I didn’t notice because I never pay attention to him anyway. But then he and Eric came up to me and walked me to my next class so they must have totally bought the whole Seattle excuse. Mike kept yapping about going to the beach. I didn’t know why he’d want to go to the beach when the weather is overcast all the time and the temperature was supposed to be in the forties. Did he expect an iceberg to float by or something?

I didn’t pay attention to anything all morning because I was totally [strike]obsessed[/strike] in love with Edward and he had given me this look like he wanted to pull me down and shag me rotten and it was just so romantic!! Part of me thought I must be dreaming because it was just so easy.

In fact, come lunch time I was all nervous and thought that maybe I really had dreamed it! That would’ve totally sucked. Like, suckingly sucked. There was a big group of people around my table and they were all talking and planning stupid stuff for the dance and stuff. I didn’t care because dances are stupid.

I looked around eagerly because I was eager to see if Edward was eagerly there looking eagerly around to see if I was there eagerly. He wasn’t so I was sad.

I got all mopey and bought lemonade because I had extra money and sat down and wanted to smash it on Inconsequential Girl #1′s head, but before I could she said, “Edward is staring at you again.”

I looked up and saw Edward was sitting by himself staring at me staringly so I stared back. Then he made a come-hither gesture with his finger and it turned me on and I left the others because they were really stupid and Edward was so perfect. I think Inconsequential Girl #1 was glaringly at me glaringly. He told me to sit and I sat because I was lost in his eyes.

He was just so perfectly perfect it was perfect!! He was so dreamy and pale and stuff and I kept pinching myself under the table because I thought he was too perfect to be real. But he was real and he was mine mine mine!! Or he would be, he just didn’t realize it yet.

“What are you doing?” Edward asked curiously with curiosity.

I blinked at him, confused. “What?”

“That!” He pointed at my face. “You’re face keeps scrunching up like you have gas.”

“I do NOT have gas! I do not have any waste-like bodily functions, thank you.”

“Are you one too?”

“One what?”

“Oh shit. Never mind.” He looked around nervously before fiddling with his perfect hands on the table. He was really confusing but since he was so gorgeously gorgeous and perfectly perfect, I decided I’d let it slide this time. But he owed me, fucker.

“Never mind what?”

“Exactly.”

I stared at him for a second. Holy fuck nuggets he was good. “You’re really confusing.”

“I know.” He beamed at me happily in a happy way that was happy. I think he was kind of happy.

“So, why are we sitting together?” Apart from my being fabulous, of course.

“Because I’m gonna be a bad boy.”

“Oh?” I perked up at this, because it sounded very yummy.

“Not like that.”

“Oh…” Well damn.

“Your friends are jealous because they want to sit with you.”

“Who cares what they want?”

“I might just keep you.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to be friends?” That was what he said right?

“Yeah but you’re stupid and won’t listen so it doesn’t matter.” How dare he!! I was way smarter than he was!! How dare he insult me in such a way! Oh but he was so dreamy…

“So as long as I’m an idiot we’ll be friends?”

“Seems like it.”

“Works for me.”

We went all silent for a long time because there wasn’t really anything to say. Edward’s face went all blank and stuff and he just stared at me while zoning out. Then he said, “What are you thinking?” I was astonished because I totally thought he had gone off into his own little world, but apparently he had not. I blushed because I had been thinking of picking my nose since he wasn’t paying attention, even though he was paying attention.

I stared at him and said, “What you are.”

He got all huffy and pissy again and told me to forget it because it wasn’t important. Which only made me think that he actually was something abnormal, since he never denied that he wasn’t normal. Maybe he was Spiderman, because that’s a totally logical explanation.

“Well what do you think I am?” he asked finally. But I just shook my head because I wasn’t stupid enough to actually tell him I thought he was Spiderman. He’d have to kill me then. “Won’t you tell me?” I shook my head again and made a gesture with my hand to symbolize that I’d zipped my mouth shut. He gave me an impatient look. “This is annoying.”

“Now you know how it feels so there!”

“Just one?”

“Okay, are you Spiderman?” He was just too pretty to be mad at.

“Uhm, no.”

“Okay, that was all I had.”

“You’re not very creative.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not good.”

We’d been over this before. He was trying to be a bad boy. “So you’re dangerous?”

“No shit Sherlock.” Oh yeah, wasn’t he trying to tell me this the whole time?

“Why didn’t you just tell me you’re dangerous?”

“Because it’s not cryptic enough and the author needed something to force us to interact in some way and give you a reason to have me on your mind.”

“I don’t need a reason,” I said, scoffing scoffingly.

“Fair enough.”

At that point I realized that the cafeteria was nearly empty so I stood up and ran to class, expecting Edward to have followed me, but he didn’t. Apparently the bastard was ditching. Oh well, his loss right?

Except we were going to find out our blood types in Biology and I don’t like blood. Even though half the time I’m emo and carry around a razor blade in my pocket. I feigned sickness and the teacher had Mike take me to the nurse’s office. Score! I got off scott-free! I told Mike I wanted to sit down, so I did.

And then Edward rounded the corner. Damn it! I didn’t want him to see me all pale and clammy from scaredy-ness. “Bella?” I didn’t say anything because I wanted to pretend he wasn’t there so I could be all sickly around people I don’t care about, not my future husband. “What’s wrong?”

“I think she fainted,” Mike said helpfully. Even though he wasn’t helpful at all.

“Bell?” Edward leaned down towards me. “Can you hear me?”

“No I said.”

He laughed and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “Go back to class, I’ll take her to the nurse’s office.”

“No, she’s mine!” Mike whined. I told him to shut it and go back to class so he did.

The nurse was very surprised to see me carried into the office and placed on the only little cot there. “She fainted in Biology. They’re blood typing.”

“Again? Well she’ll be fine, go to class.”

“I’m supposed to stay with her.” The nurse let him alone after that, but every question I answered for the nurse had him stifling laughter. Cocky bastard.

“I bet Mike is all put out now.”

“He hates my guts,” Edward say cheerfully with lots of cheer.

“Oh fun.”

“Let me get you out of class because I can.” And he did. “I’m also driving you home. Alice will drop off your truck.”

“What?”

“Just listen to me.”

“Okay.” I liked how he was in charge, just like a man should be. Women are too frail, we need men to take care of us. Edward was the only man able to take care of me because he’s just so fucking pretty.

I started babbling about my mom and her bright pink GPS navigational vibrator named Phil that she “married” and then we were at my house. So instead of letting him go get his family from school, I stuck around and asked him about them. He glared at me and told me to get out and I did.

“Don’t do anything stupid this weekend,” he said, then drove away. I stuck out my tongue at the car as he drove away.

Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner

In my dream it was dark and the only light came from Edward’s skin. He was dressed in a bright pink tutu and even that seemed dull against the brightness of his skin. He looked like a freaking light bulb! He was prancing away from me and the only time I ever saw his face was when he did a little twirl and hopped into the air like a flamboyant gay man who just found out he had enough money to afford a sex change operation. After that he constantly appeared in my dreams in some form of drag. I never could figure out why. The dreams were so vivid and startling that it kept me up nights. It really sucked because I could swear I was getting bags under my eyes. Gross.

The next month was really really sucky because Edward wouldn’t talk to me at all. I started wondering if he was regretting saving my life. And then I got all depressed because we were supposed to get married and be all gorgeously gorgeous together and we couldn’t because Edward hated me. I got all emo and started taking more emo myspace pictures and once again started debating if I should slit my wrists and let them bleed blood out of my wrists which would be bleeding. With blood.

Apparently my mom caught on to how depressed and upset I was but I just told her to shove it so she went to go find Phil. Must suck to lose your GPS device, especially when it’s so… useful. I tried talking to Edward the day after The Accident, but he just gave me a disgusted look and ignored me. I was starting to realize that despite his superior looks… He was really a jackass with no personality. Not that I cared, we were going to get married. The question was how I was going to get back in his good graces.

Was I even there before?

I was completely obsessed with Edward because he was so fucking pretty. If he was female, he would prettier than me and that’s impossible. Mike really liked the fact that Edward wasn’t talking to me and he started following me even closer now and spending as much time alone with me as possible, especially in Biology, even though we weren’t alone because Edward was right there beside us at the desk I sit at that he sits at too and could hear every word because he sat at the desk I sit at beside me at that desk.

Funnily enough, the day of The Accident was the only day with snow. After that it rained and washed the snow away and for the rest of the month we had only rain and no snow. Maybe God hates me too. God must love Edward more than me, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. But it’s not logical because I have boobs, therefor making me better than Edward.

Then Inconsequential Girl #1 called and asked if she could ask Mike to the Girls’ Choice Dance in March. I told her if she kept him on his leash, I didn’t mind at all. She didn’t seem to believe me, but I told her I didn’t want to go to the dance and I didn’t. Unless it was with Edward. Then I’d go. Anyone else wasn’t worth the time.

The next day Inconsequential Girl #1 wouldn’t talk to me or stand by me or look at me or anything. And Mike was all quiet and weird too. It creeped me out. He lingered in Biology as usual before the bell rang. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Spit it out,” I ordered him.

“I wanna go to the dance with you,” he whined whiningly.

“I’m going to Seattle.”

“Oh…” He sidled off to his seat dejectedly. I think Edward was grinning but my new tactic was to ignore him entirely so I did.

Strangely at the end of class as I was gathering my things, I heard him call my name. “Oh, are you talking me now?” I asked snidely.

“Er… No.”

“Then why are you talking to me?”

“Because I wanted to tell you that we shouldn’t be friends.”

“Why don’t you just say it! You wish you’d let me die! I HATE YOU!” My emo-ness had come out and a grabbed my stuff, then tripped over my feet and fell flat on my face, my books and things flying every where. Casually, Edward picked up my things and stacked them neatly on the table and walked out the door.

I climbed to my feet and went to my next class.

Actually, before I could get to my next class, Pizza Face stopped me and asked me to the dance. I told him no because he has a pizza face. Then I went to my next class. Gym sucked.

After that I hurried to my truck and threw my stuff in and started the engine. I could see Edward watching me, looking so amused and haughty. I wanted to punch something because he was so damn beautiful and still not mine! Life isn’t fair and it should be because I’m better than everyone else! In my angry rush, I pulled out and hit a car that happened to be driven by the same person I’d squished before. This time their head was bleeding and they were crying hysterically. I waved a hand at them in greeting and moved on towards the exit.

Unfortunatey, Edward had pulled his shiny Volvo out in front of me and blocked it! He was apparently waiting for the rest of his perfect fucking family. I cursed them all and glared at his shiny car which was really shiny and actually kind of hurt to look at because it was so shiny. As we waited, Tokin’ Token approached and knocked on my window. I rolled it down a bit and gave him an outraged look. “Don’t touch my truck, you’ll get it dirty.”

“Yes’m,” he responded politely. “I was wondering if you had a date for the dance?” Was Token seriously asking me out after he tried to kill me? What was with the people in this town?

“I’m going to be in Seattle, actually.”

“Oh…”

“Move along, Token.” He waddled back to his car obediently and got in, waving at me happily. Now he absolutely had to be inbred. I looked forward to find the Cullens getting into the car and Edward laughing his ass off at me in the rear view mirror. I revved my engine in warning and he sobered up a little, speeding off ahead of me. I grinned and drove slowly home, muttering about how to successfully kill Edward.

Over dinner I told Charlie I was going to Seattle. He wanted to know why and I told him I was going to pick up some drugs, get drunk, and find a frat boy to play with. He just nodded and ate his echiladas. “Make sure you have plenty of money for gas,” he warned in a warning tone warningly.

I ignored him.

The next morning I pulled into the student parking lot and got out of my truck, intent on making it to my first class without running into Edward the Asshole. I dropped my keys though and stuck my butt up in the air and of course, Edward walked right into it. Crotch first. “Oh, I’m sorry!” He leaned forward over me and to the side, reaching around to pluck the keys from the puddle. This position was starting to turn me on. Crap.

He straightened and stepped around me and handed me my keys. I snatched them from him and glared glaringly. How dare he stop doi- I mean how dare he do that! “You’re really annoying.”

“You’re really amusing. I wanted to ask you something.”

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe later.” I glared at him again and he just laughed. “Want a ride to Seattle?”

I eyed him suspiciously with suspicion. “Is that some kind of crude innuendo?”

“No, should it be?” I glared at him again and he laughed in my face again. “No, I’m serious. Your truck isn’t gonna make it.”

Stupid shiny Volvo owner. “Fine.”

“Okay then.”

“Fuck you.”

“We really shouldn’t be friends.” I blinked at his sudden change of subject. He must have ADD or something.

“Why, do you have AIDs or something?”

“I might.” He blinked at me and tried to keep a straight face.

“Well if we shouldn’t be friends then why do you keep trying?”

“Because you smell yummy.”

“Works for me. Walk me to class?”

“Okay.

Disclaimer: Any racial slurs presented in this work are not my personal views. Just throwing that out there.

Almost Died and Then Didn’t!

I woke up the next day and realized that the light outside was different without it being different. Then I realized there was no fog. Then I realized it had snowed. Ew. Despite the snow this was going to be a good day because Edward was going to talk to me more I just knew it. Which meant he was starting to like me more! I knew he’d like me, no one can help but like me.

I was thinking about how Pizza Face and Mike were fighting over me and how I could possibly use this to my advantage sometime, but I couldn’t really think of a way. It didn’t matter really because Edward was going to be my gorgeously gorgeous boyfriend soon.

I grabbed a small breakfast and then headed out to my car, wondering why I had so little trouble driving on the highway to school. When I got out I noticed something shiny and silver on my truck’s tires. Charlie had put snow chains on my tires in the middle of the night. What was he, the weather man? Jesus Christ on steroids. Either way they helped me so I guess it was okay.

Suddenly I heard screeching tires and looked up and grew several new pairs of eyes so that I could see several things simultaneously because I am amazing like that. I saw Edward standing four cars down and a bunch of people gawking and a big blue van skidding out of control in my general direction. And then I almost died and then didn’t!

Something big and hard hit me and pinned me to the ground and it was cold and icy and my head hit the ground and it really hurt. And I was cold. And the ground was all wet and icky. Shit, maybe I did die, that sounds horrible…Well, maybe except the hard thing pinning me down, because that turned out to be Edward.

People started screaming for me and somehow over all the really loud screaming I could hear Edward whispering to me, “Are you alright?” Of course I wasn’t alright!! I had nearly died!!! Was he that fucking dense?

But since he saved my life and all I figured I’d be nice. “Yeah, I think so. I can’t move though.”

“Oh, sorry.” He let go of me and as soon as his iron grip loosened, all the blood went rushing through my veins and stuff (because he’d been holding me so tight he slowed circulation) and then my head started to hurt.

“Ow,” I said in surprise. Who gets hurt in a near death experience? Certainly not me, I’m too amazing for such a thing. I swear, whoever is writing this crap is so not getting stuff right. I can’t get hurt, I’m the pretty fucking princess, bitch!

“How the hell did you get over here?” He had been four cars down and then he was saving my life, and how did he manage that anyway? It didn’t make any fucking sense!!

“I was right beside you the whole time, Bella.”

“Like hell you were! I saw you four cars down! You were over there!!” He gave me this look like he thought I was crazy, but he also looked really amused. Why did he find this amusing? Was he some sick twisted necrophiliac? EW!

Before I could say anything else, a group of faces somehow managed to peer in at us and everyone started shouting at us and crying a lot. What was with these people? I was alive right? Crisis averted. But they kept shouting and crying and I heard someone say to get Tyrone out of the car or something. Figured a black dude would try to kill me. Ugh.

“You were so totally by your car.”

“No I wasn’t. I was right beside you and I pulled you out of the way.”

“If you pulled me out of the way then why are we stuck here, hmm?” He didn’t say anything, just stared at me and started wiggling his eyebrows. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m mesmerizing you.”

“You’re what?”

“Nothing. Just pretend I was beside you the whole time and I won’t have to kill you.” Oh God, he threatened to kill me! Now I know I’m in love.

“Okay, but better get an explanation sometime.”

Finally a whole crowd of people arrived to get us out of our little hole between two cars. There was like, a dozen EMTs there. Wasn’t that like half the population of Forks? What the fuck kind of small town needs twelve EMTs?

They tried to get us both on stretchers but Edward managed to avoid that, then tell them that he thought I had a concussion. Fucking bastard! But while they were putting on a stupid neck brace, I noticed that the van had a big deep impression that looked a lot like Edward’s shoulder and arm. Not to mention his brothers and sisters all looked pissed off and disapproving. Why didn’t they like me? The whole school did including Edward now since he’d also saved my life. That settled it I was going to marry him.

Then Charlie appeared and started panicking and yelling and I told him to shut up because I was fine but he didn’t believe me. Stupid Edward got to sit up front in the ambulance.

When we got to the hospital, I was rushed into a room with a row of beds and since no one actually stayed to check on me, I yanked off the neck brace and tossed it aside. A second later, they wheeled in Tyrone, the black kid from one of my classes. He had to be the only black guy in the school. I should start calling him Token.

He looked all upset and anxious and started apologizing at lightning speed, which was fine by me. “I’m okay, Token, but you look like crap.” He ignored me and continued apologizing and giving lame excuses as to why he nearly killed me. Then he asked how I got out of the way so fast.

“Edward pulled a magic trick and got me out of the way.”

“Oh, okay. I’m glad you’re alright.”

“No thanks to you, Token.” He was probably toking too. Tokin’ Token. Bastard.

They wheeled me away finally to get x-rays taken but they found nothing. Even so, they made me stay in the fucking hospital. Token kept apologizing over and over and I was getting really annoyed so I told him to shut it and he said, “Yes, Massah” and then went right on grumbling, though a bit more quietly.

Then Edward came in and I started to glare daggers at him because he was such a prick even though he had just saved my life. Even so, he was so gorgeously gorgeous that it soon softened into a swoon.

Then his dad came in and I about pissed my pants. Edward was gorgeous and so was his dad and I couldn’t handle two gorgeous guys in the same room as me without a threesome being put in order. Minus Token. Unless he wanted to tape it.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Cullen inquired inquiringly.

“I’m fine.” And so are you Dr. Cullen, want to take my temperature? Edward can check the front and you can check the back!

“Edward said you hit your head pretty hard.”

“Hard” and “head” in the same sentence. “Is it hot in here?” Of course it was, there were two gorgeous men in the room with me!! “My head is fine.”

He leaned over and tenderly felt the tender area on my head that was tender. I winced and wished he’d drop his hands lower. “Tender?”

“I’ve had worse.”

“Alright well your father is in the waiting room so you can go home but come back if there’s any issues.” I think I have a fever, Doctor!

“Can I go to school?” I don’t know why I asked that, I didn’t really care about school unless Edward was there.

“You should probably take it easy.”

“Does Edward get to go back to school?”

Edward shot me a condescending smirk. “Of course.”

“Fuck you, I wanna go to school!”

“Most of the school is here.”

“Okay, I’ll go home.” I hopped out of bed and sidled up to Edward. “You owe me an explanation.”

“No I don’t, i saved your life.”

“That’s why you owe me an explanation. You saved my life. How?”

“You’re delirious.”

“You’re a jackass.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too!” I stamped my foot and pouted. How could he argue with me? I’m always right! The princess is always right! “Did you lift the van off me?”

He laughed in my face. “What, am I Superman now?”

That was a good question. “Are you?”

“Er.. No.”

Well damn. That would’ve been really cool. “Well then how did you save me?”

“Can’t you just thank me?”

“Thank you.” I stood there and waited for more, since he obviously had a shitload of explaining to do. I wanted answers, damn it!

He stared back at me and blinked a few times. “You’re not giving up?”

“Uhh, no!”

“Crap.” Obviously he’d been hoping against the hope that I would stop asking and give up because I was so hopelessly in love with him, but I still had the hope that he would hopefully love me. Like I loved him. Hopefully.

Then we turned around and walked away from each other.

Everyone was so anxious to see me when I stepped into the waiting room and I beamed and waved all my loyal subjects. And then there was Charlie. “Oh hi.” He steered me to the door and got me in the cruiser and we drove away with me still waving happily out the window to my adoring fans.

Stupid Charlie had told my mom so of course I had to call her and tell her I was okay. About fifty bajillion times before she stopped asking and started insisting I come home. I declined her gracious offer because I was in love with Edward and I couldn’t leave because we weren’t officially together yet. Damn it. I’d have to work harder if wanted a marriage proposal by the end of week.

Though his saving my life was definitely a step in the right direction. Or something.

I decided to go to bed early because Charlie kept staring at me and I was beginning to wonder if my dad had turned into a pedophile. I wasn’t really tired though so I smoked some weed from his secret stash and hit the hay. It had to be some really fucking strong shit or something because my dreams were really weird. Edward was there prancing in a tutu.

Staring Contests of Doom

I was happy and sad at the same time. I was having mixed emotions. Because I was happy and sad. Because today I was sad and happy, because the day was better than yesterday, but it was also worse. So I was both happy and sad because it was better and worse. Than yesterday was.

It was better because the weather was still icky and cloudy and dark, but it wasn’t actually wet yet so my hair looked pretty still. I was also happy because I knew where everything was and stuff, and there was a big big group of people that surrounded me at lunch and fawned all over me because I’m just so amazingly awesome. It was also better because Pizza Face and Mike were glaring at each other all day like they were in some staring contest of doom. It was probably because of me. Why wouldn’t it be? I’m the most amazingly pretty person in Forks.

It was worse because I was tired because I kept taking myspace pictures all night and painting my wrists with ketchup to make it look like I was bleeding out my wrists. It was also icky because I got picked on by my stupid math teacher. Who needs math? Math is icky and stupid. It was really really icky because I had to play volleyball and I hate volleyball and some idiot hit the ball my way and I hit it and broke a nail. Luckily the ball didn’t hit the ground (it’s not supposed to, right?) because it was saved when it bounced off my team mate’s head. Lucky save on my part. And it was worse because Mr. Gorgeously Gorgeous Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all.

I was worried all morning because I thought he would glare at me and be all angry and unfair and stuff. I really wanted to march over and demand to know why he was being so mean to me. I didn’t deserve that! I deserved nothing but good stuff, like candy and presents and kisses. And a marriage proposal. From Edward. Because we were destined to be together.

But he wasn’t there and I was even more sad because at least when he was glaring at me and stuff, he was thinking about me and giving me attention. Since he wasn’t there at all, he couldn’t give me attention, even though I was already getting a bunch of attention from everyone else. All the guys wanted to date me, but I just wanted Edward because we should be in love.

I kept thinking that maybe he was just late catching up to his siblings, but he still wasn’t there at the end of lunch so I moped a little. Mike was becoming my own personal little pet. He even fetched stuff for me and carried my bags. It was so nicely nice of him. He walked with me to Biology along with Inconsequential Girl #2 and carried my stuff all the way there!

When we got there, Edward still was nowhere to be found s because I already knew everything about Biology, I decided to paint my nails a pretty pretty color. Poor Mike had to go sit with some inbred hillbilly girl with ugly braces and a bad perm. Honestly, who perms their hair these days? It’s so icky! But Mike was starting to get really really overly friendly. He even tried to grope me! Ew! So I decided I had to think of a way to shoot him down because he was really nice, but kind of creepy.

I kept telling myself that I was happy Edward wasn’t there because I totally had needed to paint my nails, but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that he wasn’t here because I was here in the room that I was in and that he was not in. It was stupid, anyone would want to be in a room with me! I’m so pretty. And sitting beside me is just the icing on the cake because I smell like freshly picked flowers and I’m even prettier up close. Edward should be swooning by now and he wasn’t and it bothered me.

I got in my beat up old truck and saw that the Cullens were getting in a shiny new car. It was only a Volvo, but it was better than anyone else’s car. And they were all wearing designer clothing!! I needed to get in with this group because they were all gorgeously gorgeous like super models like me and had money. So I had to befriend them and stuff.

When I got home I had emails from my mom. “Bella,” she wrote writingly. “Let me know how your flight was. Love, Mom.” “Bella,” she also wrote writingly. “How was your first day of school?” “Bella,” she wrote writingly again. “I’m worried about you. Call me. If you don’t call soon, I’m calling Charlie.”

So I wrote her back writingly. “Mom, I’m fine. School is awesome because everyone loves me and the most gorgeous guy ever is going to fall in love with me. And the weather is icky.” Then sent it because that just about summed it up.

I was really bored and I didn’t really want to do my homework. I picked up an old book that was really slow and boring and dull and began to read it because I’m really smart and can stand stuff that like. Because I’m smart. And then Charlie came home so I went to grab dinner because I’m so awesome.

Charlie had a gun because he’s the Chief of Police in Forks and when I was little he used to take the bullets out when he came home so that I didn’t shoot myself by accident or something. Now he didn’t do it so I guess he figured I was old enough to know better, or not depressed enough to commit suicide. Little did he know…

“Dad, do you know the Cullens?”

Of course he know the Cullens! “Of course I know the Cullens,” he replied replyingly. “Why do you ask?”

“Because they’re loners at school.”

“It’s because they’re new. We’re so lucky to have Dr. Cullen, he’s so amazing and can do all this wonderful stuff. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble with all the foster kids but they’re so nice! People here just don’t like them because they’re so pretty and everyone here is inbred.”

“Oh. Okay.” Then I went to bed.

My beloved Edward wasn’t at school the next day either. Or the next day. Or the day after. Or the day after that. Or the next next day. A whole fucking week went by and Edward had not come to school. I couldn’t figure it out!

The weekend was boring, there wasn’t even a good bookstore. I’d have to go to Seattle or something and mingle with all the pretty pretty fraternity boys and sorority girls. Or at least find a decent place to make myself all pretty. I need a professional manicure. And a pedicure. All this cold weather was making my skin all dry and icky.

On Monday people I didn’t know where waving at me and stuff so I smiled to my little hillbilly subjects and looked pretty. My reign as princess of Forks had begun! I’d successfully taken over Inconsequential Girl #1′s territory. I rocked hardcore status. Mike was still following me around like a good little pet. He sat next to me in English and because he hadn’t bothered me all weekend, I let him copy off my pop quiz on that really old boring book I had been reading. I knew all the answers because I know everything about everything.

When class was over we left the room only to find bits of white stuff falling from the sky. I was about to panic because I thought the clouds were falling out of the sky or something, or maybe God was brushing off the dandruff in his hair. Either one was pretty icky. But Mike just said, “Wow, it’s snowing.”

I looked at the bits of white puffy stuff that swirled swirlingly through the swirly air and swirled down to the gathering piles of swirly white stuff on the ground. “Ew.”

Mike raised his eyebrows. “You don’t like snow?”

“No. That means it’s too cold for rain.” Obviously. “Besides, I thought it was supposed to
come down in flakes. You know, each one unique and stuff. These just look like giant bits of dandruff.”

“Haven’t you ever seen snow fall before?” he asked askingly.

“Sure I have.” I paused. “On TV.”

Mike laughed until Pizza Face threw a wad of snow at him and hit him in the back of the head. Mike stooped to make his own snowball and throw it at him. “I’m gonna go to my next class. Once boys start throwing white wet stuff around, I take that as my cue to go inside.”

“You don’t like boys throwing white wet stuff?”

“Not at each other.” I said goodbye and walked to my next class.

When lunch came I walked alertly to the cafeteria on high alert because I needed to be alerted if there was a flying ball of snow coming my way so I could alertly avoid it. Alertingly. When I stepped into the cafeteria, I noticed that my future husband Edward had come back to school to see me!! I was ecstatic!

Inconsequential Girl #1 thought I was funny because I was all happy to see him. She obviously didn’t think Edward would fall madly in love with me. I’d show her. So I started to stare at Edward for a long long time until Inconsequential Girl #1 asked what I was staring at. But then she followed my gaze and saw Edward.

I ducked my head all shy like as he looked up at me, but Inconsequential Girl #1 kept staring. “Edward Cullen is staring at you,” she said inconsequentially. Of course he was staring at me! I’m me! The pretty magnificent princess Bella! Unless he was glaring at me.

“Is he mad?”

“No. Should he be?”

“No. But he was anyway.”

“Well he’s not now.”

I peeked at him and saw that he looked curious, staring me in a staring sort of way. I liked it. “I don’t think he likes me.”

“They don’t like anybody,” Inconsequential Girl #1 said, waving her hand inconsequentially.

Well they were going to like me! Who couldn’t like me? I told her to stop staring at him so staringly and she shut up and looked away like a good girl. Then mike came over and began talking about a massive snowball fight in the parking lot after school. I’d have to plan a way to avoid said snowball fight. Inconsequential Girl #1 looked very pleased with his idea, though.

After lunch I was happy to see that it had warmed enough for the snow to turn to rain, which was washing away all the snow on the ground too. No snowball fight yay! I was very pleased and told Mike to stop wining because he was wining about how lame it was that the snow was gone. But it wasn’t lame, he was just too dumb to know the difference. I couldn’t even blame his stupidity on his being an inbred hillbilly.

Edward wasn’t in Biology when I went in so instead I focused on drawing stuff on my notebook because I was bored. When he did come in, he sat beside me and said, “Hello.” I looked up and stared at him in disbelief because he was actually talking to me and I hadn’t even made an attempt yet! I must be more amazing than I originally thought. “My name is Edward Cullen. You must be Bella Swan.”

I blinked and nodded, noticing how he sort of sounded like a robot. He was speaking in a monotone practically. “How did you know my name?”

“Everyone knows your name.”

“No, you called me Bella. No one starts off calling me Bella, I have to tell them to call me Bella.”

“Oh.” He looked all awkward for a bit and I kind of felt bad. But not bad enough. Was he like, a mind reader or something? A mind reading robot. Maybe he was… Anyway, the teacher started droning on about the lab we were going to do but I had already done it because I’m smart.

“Ladies first?” Edward asked. I looked up at him to see him smiling a brilliant smile at me that made my knees weak and my brain stop working. “Or I could start, if you wish.” His smile smile started to fade and I got the feeling he thought I was a retard.

“Oh,” I said, waving a hand. “It’s okay, I know what I’m doing.” I studied the thing we were supposed to study and smartly called out what it was. Edward moved closer and touched my hand briefly because he wanted to see it to. Was my answer not good enough for him? What the hell? I was the smartest person here, duh. But he touched me, so it was okay.

He switched out the thingies again and promptly announced what it was, but I didn’t believe him because there was no way he could know that. I was the smart one. “Can I see?” He handed me back the microscope and I looked and saw that he was indeed correct. Fucker! How did he get to be so smart? I was indignantly indignant.

But since we were apparently the smartest people there, we finished first. Everyone else was struggling and a few people were trying to cheat too. It was kind of funny. So I passed the time by staring at Edward, of course. Something was just so different about him.

“Did you change your hair?” I asked. He stared at me and shook his head. “Oh… Never mind.” I stared back at him curiously, wondering what was so different. “Are you wearing make up?” Again he shook his head, still staring at me. I stared back. “Did you get contacts?” I unthinkingly asked without thinking. That had to be it. His eyes weren’t black pits of pretty despair anymore. He shook his head again and we went back to staring in silence.

Then the teacher came around to check our answers and tapped his foot on the tiles, glaring at Edward disapprovingly. “Did you even give Bella a chance to try the lab?”

I straightened in my seat and stuck my nose in the air haughtily. Did he think I was that dumb? Thankfully, Edward spoke up. “Actually yes. She did most of the work.” I beamed proudly at him.

“Did you do this already?”

“Yes.”

“Well we don’t like haughty know it alls in this class. You two will get along great together.” And with that he walked away, mumbling about haughty know it alls. Edward and I went back t staring at each other staringly.

“Pity about the snow,” he finally said finally.

“Not really,” I replied replyingly.

“You don’t like the snow?” He looked rather curious, sitting there staring at me.

“Not really.”

“You don’t like the cold.” It was a statement, not a question. That’s why it was ended with a period and not a question mark, something people in Phoenix learn at an early age, but you probably didn’t know which is why I had to tell you.

“Or the wet.”

“How in the world can you live here then?”

“I have no idea.”

For some reason he looked oddly fascinated by what I had said. At least, I think it was by what I had said. Maybe he was fascinated by me in general. That would be lovely since we were going to be married.

“So why’d you come here then?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m intelligent.” Well that made two of us!! But something in the way he said it made me stop and think. And then I started staring again and he stared right back.

“My mom got remarried,” I said.

“That doesn’t seem to complicated. Do you not like her husband?”

“Oh no, Phil’s great. Mom never gets lost with him around.”

“So…. what?” I went off on some inane story about how Phil was never around and she missed him and stuff so I left and came here to finish up high school, leaving my mom alone with Phil. The GPS vibrator. I knew she would thank me.

“But you’re still not happy.” Thank you Captain Obvious! Obviously Edward wasn’t as bright as he led one to believe.

“So?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Life’s not fair.”

“You’re really depressed aren’t you?” He needed to shut up now. I didn’t say anything in response though. I’d already dismissed him. “Am I wrong?” I scowled and didn’t say anything still. He was starting to get really annoying, with this gorgeousness and his robot voice and his mind-readingness. “I didn’t think so,” he sad smugly, a smug smirk, smugly stretched across his smug face.

“What do you care?” I snapped at him snappingly.

“That’s a good question.” But he didn’t say anything else so I turned away from him and proceeded to stare at the chalkboard because there was nothing else to stare at really apart from Edward and I sure as hell wasn’t going to stare at him anymore.

“Am I annoying you?” He seemed amused by the thought, which only made me more angry because he wasn’t supposed to be amused by me, he was supposed to love me and want to marry me and stuff, even though we’d only just met.

I shot him an angry look then told him the truth because he’s so gorgeous. “No, I’m annoyed at myself because you can read me like a book and it sucks.”

“Okay.”

And then the teacher interrupted by calling the class’ attention to him. Stupid teacher. I couldn’t understand why Edward had taken such a keen interest in me but was still treating me as if I smelled like rotting fish. Maybe he didn’t like fresh flowers? The teacher was going over the lab project but I already knew my answers were right so I was free to get lost in my thoughts which were whirling around my brain, which was thinking thoughts of things.

The bell rang and Edward was out of his seat and out the door faster than you could say supercalifragalisticexpialidocious. Which is pretty fast if you’re Mary Poppins. Mike hurried to my side and started complaining about how terrible the lab was and how it was so hard. I told him it was simple and he was an idiot. He didn’t seem to hear me.

I didn’t pay much attention to him at all for the remainder of the day, even though he was being his usual nice self. I told him to cover my volleyball position as well as his and he obeyed like a good little puppy. Maybe I’d get him a collar for Christmas.

When classes ended it was all drizzly and icky outside again so I hurried to my hulk of a truck and climbed in before tearing my jacket off, turning the heat on, and fixing my hair so it would dry nicely. No need to look like a wet dog. And then I saw Edward staring at me, leaning against the Volvo. Surprised, I stepped on the gas a bit too hard as I was backing out of the spot and crushed a poor little car behind me. I apologized offhandedly to the driver of the car, who was bleeding profusely from their nose and apparently had a crushed leg as well, then sped off. Edward was probably laughing.

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