Son of a Pitch! The Revision

Annicka/ September 23, 2017/ Blog, Editing, Query, Revision, Writing/ 0 comments

Alriiiiight time to dig into some revisions! I’m revising as I write this post so please, please feel free to comment at the end with anything you think might be helpful! That’s right– I’m just gonna dive into this and let you guys see my sobbing head-banging foul-mouthed ranting thought process in all its glory!

I’m just gonna post the original summary and strike out the stuff that absolutely needs to go.

Catori is a peasant. She grew up picking flowers to sell in the streets of Mennos’ main cities and she’s served ale to many a lord in her home town’s tavern. But this barmaid has a dangerous hobby. To protect herself and her family, Catori’s picked up the art of swordplay. Her skill with her blades has earned the admiration of passing travelers, including some with hidden ties to powerful families.

When war breaks out following an orc invasion, Catori knows she must help. She leaves her infant son under the patronage of a noble family and joins the Mennosi auxiliary, where she begins to rise through the military ranks on the recommendation of a mysterious hero. Soon she stands at the head of a broken and neglected army against the might of a massive orc army. But enemies lurk under the guise of support. Catori will need friends old and new to end a brutal war and keep her son out of a feud that could end his life.

Wow, that’s… over half the summary, I think. Heh. Heheh. So let’s see exactly what we’re left with, here.

  • Catori is a barmaid.
  • She’s skilled with swords.
  • There’s an orc invasion at some point.
  • Catori feels the need to join the military.
  • There’s a hero in there, oh god, there’s no context for that, I’ll need to give a little for that if I’m going to keep it in.
  • The army is broken, but when is it broken? Need to clarify that.
  • What the fuck happens?

Okay so most if not all the unnecessary junk has been tossed. Now, I did do a quick revision on Rena’s blog, so I’ll post that next and go from there. I’ll use the same strikethrough method.

Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when war breaks out following an orc invasion, she knows she must help. She’s left her infant son in the care of a noble family to do just that and begins to rise through the ranks of the demoralized Mennosi auxiliary on the recommendation of a mysterious hero.

Revitalized by new leadership, the auxiliary begins to fight back—and win. Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband. But when the chaos of war subsides, she discovers the noble family she trusted is not as generous as she thought. Catori will need to take her son and run before they’re caught in a feud that could end his life.

Eesh. Gutted again. Man, I’ve really got my work cut out for me. Okay, so I need to work on fleshing out how dangerous this war is and what the stakes are. More lists!

  • Orcs are HUGE. 7+ feet tall. The average human is severely overpowered.
  • Orc culture is war-based. This is their element.
  • Villages are being raided by the orcs and people between the ages of 14-25 are being taken– the rest are killed.
  • There’s a mobile band of orcs on the run and they’re much cleverer than the other tribes.
  • The presence of this tribe (the Moon Brothers) indicates that a warpath has been called and the auxiliary is faced with ALL the orc tribes banding together (something very rare.)
  • If the auxiliary falls, the country’s first line of defense is wiped out and there’s nothing to stem the tide of invasion before the Legions arrive.
  • To make matters worse, the Iron Legion is tied up elsewhere and the Mennosi Legion is dragging its heels traveling north. The auxiliary is taking the bulk of this war.
  • The auxiliary commander was just killed by orcs, a huge blow to morale. He was also Catori’s lover, but slightly less important to plot.

Okay, so let’s get this in paragraph form and then begin the culling again! I really like the start of the first paragraph, so I’m gonna try to keep that and work through the rest.

Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when war breaks out following an orc invasion, she knows she must help.So, when orcs invade her home country of the country of Mennos, Catori joins the auxiliary to help protect her home.  So, when orcs invade from the north, Catori joins the Mennosi auxiliary to protect her home.

But Mennos has neglected its auxiliary, its first line of defense against towering enemies with the strength to match ten men. When the auxiliary commander is killed in action, his replacement takes a strange interest in Catori and she begins to rise through the ranks of the demoralized Mennosi auxiliary on the recommendation of a mysterious hero.

Revitalized by new leadership, the auxiliary begins to fight back, but the war is far from over. A savage tribe of orcs has ridden south leaving a bloody trail in their wake. and their presence comes as a dire warning. The auxiliary must overcome  this vicious tribe to pave the way for the combined might of the Iron and Mennosi Legions stem the tide of the invasion and Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband.

Fuck. That was brutal all on its own. I did use the ever helpful strike tool and cross out additions, so you can kind of see what I was trying to get in there and failed horribly at. This needs some serious editing still, but it’s heading in the right direction, I think. Much more war based! Actually, I kinda think this sounds more interesting than my original one, but that’s the point right?

So let’s see how it reads without all those strikethroughs.

Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when orcs invade from the north, Catori joins the Mennosi auxiliary to protect her home. But Mennos has neglected its auxiliary, its first line of defense against towering enemies with the strength to match ten men. When the auxiliary commander is killed in action, his replacement takes a strange interest in Catori and she begins to rise through the ranks of the demoralized auxiliary on the recommendation of a mysterious hero.

Revitalized by new leadership, the auxiliary begins to fight back, but a savage tribe of orcs has ridden south leaving a bloody trail in their wake. The auxiliary must overcome  this vicious tribe to stem the tide of the invasion and Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband.

Insert something about run on sentences here. Ugh. I love/hate half of this and the rest is meh. It’s still reading kind of like it’s all over the place, too. I need to figure out some structure. Back to the lists!

First Paragraph:

  • Introduce Catori.
  • Introduce the war.
  • Introduce Catori going to war.
  • Introduce how fucked up the auxiliary is.
  • Maybe introduce the new commander.

Second Paragraph:

  • Introduce the new commander if I haven’t already.
  • Introduce the Moon Brothers.
  • State how fucked up the Moon Brothers are.
  • Something about the auxiliary standing alone.
  • I really want to include Catori at the head of an army, but I might have to let that go.
  • I don’t want to let that go.
  • I’m not using this list properly anymore.

*** Coffee Break ***

Okay, I feel a little better. As I said, I’m writing this post as I go. All these revisions and thoughts are off the top of my head and it’s a little overwhelming, not to mention slightly more time consuming. I’m also a little slower by doing this in a blog post, but I think it might be helping my thought process.

Let’s try some more culling.

Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when orcs invade from the north, Catori joins the Mennosi auxiliary to protect her home. But Mennos has neglected its auxiliary, its first line of defense against towering enemies with the strength to match ten men. When the auxiliary commander is killed in action, his replacement takes a strange interest in Catori and she begins to rise through the ranks of the demoralized auxiliary on the recommendation of a mysterious hero.

Revitalized by new leadership, the auxiliary begins to fight back, but a savage tribe of orcs has ridden south leaving a bloody trail in their wake. The auxiliary must overcome  this vicious tribe to stem the tide of the invasion and Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband.

Eh. A little better. BUT MY GOD. What am I going to do with this?!?

The auxiliary must overcome  this vicious tribe to stem the tide of the invasion and Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband.

Reading this makes me want to cry and bang my head. Ugh. I need to rewrite this entirely, I think.

This blog post is over 1600 words. 😥 I think we’re going to stop here for now and I’ll wrap up my revisions in a third post! Wow, I didn’t think this would take so many posts. I should’ve looked it over before the coffee break…

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge