Son of a Pitch! The Revision Partie Deux
Hi there! Time for that second post for revisions. I’m still seriously surprised it’s turned into three posts. At the same time, I’m kind of convinced this was the best idea I’ve had for revising anything. It’s coming along a lot better than usual and I don’t have the same urge to break things. 😀
Alright, so let’s look at where we left off yesterday.
Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when orcs invade
from the north,Catori joins the Mennosi auxiliary to protect her home. But Mennos has neglected its auxiliary, its first line of defense against towering enemies with the strength to match ten men.When the auxiliary commander is killed in action, his replacement takes a strange interest in Catori and she begins to rise through the ranks of the demoralized auxiliary on the recommendation of a mysterious hero.
Revitalized by new leadership, the auxiliary begins to fight back, but a savage tribe of orcs has ridden south leaving a bloody trail in their wake. The auxiliary must overcome this vicious tribe to stem the tide of the invasion and Catori stands at the head of an army against the might of a massive orc warband.
Bleh. Needs work. But that’s why there’s a second revision post! Okay, so I need to trim stuff out and work on rewording a few things. (If you noticed, I did get rid of our mysterious hero. 🙁 I’m a little sad about that. Oh, well. Onward!
But first: coffee.
Catori is a barmaid with a dangerous hobby: she’s deadly with her blades. So, when orcs invade her homeland she feels compelled to aid them and joins the Mennosi auxiliary. But Mennos has neglected its auxiliary and its soldiers are weary and beaten. The death of their commander only furthers their plight, but his replacement takes an interest in Catori and she begins to rise through the ranks.
Their new leadership revitalizes the auxiliary just in time to meet a new enemy. A savage tribe of orcs has ridden south, leaving a bloody trail in their wake. Catori must take tired and demoralized men and lead them against this vicious tribe to stem the tide of invasion. If they fail, their entire country could fall.
Okay, so my friend popped over with some Starbucks, I had a delicious Maple Pecan Creme Frapp, some mouth watering enchiladas, and I came back to bust that out up there. No strikethroughs. I just pumped that sucker out.
Where did that come from?! 😯
There’s some issues, of course, but I really like this rewrite. I think I’m on to something here. This is the point where some word choice/sentence structure aid would be nice. I think I need to sit on this one a little. I’m liking that it’s driven by the war, it focuses on the auxiliary’s plight a bit more, but it might take away from Catori just a liiiittle bit. I’ll need to sit and think about how I can fix that. Perhaps I can change the final sentence to say “if she fails…” instead. Hmm.
I’ll sleep on it.
And so ends the revision! For now. Perhaps I’ll do a follow up post, we shall see. 🙂