Still No Bikini
Because I had absolutely nothing better to do, I sat around and listened for Alice to arrive with my truck. I never heard her arrive, but when I went to go look out the window, there it was! Sitting in the driveway!! Like magic!! Stupid magic fairy girl.
This isn’t actually something you need to know and is merely thrown in to make the book lengthier. Did it work?
I totally expected Friday to suck. And it did suck. Like a sucky sucking thing that sucked. Like a cheap whore in a back alley. Inconsequential Girl #1 cackled gleefully because everyone thought I had fainted. I shoved a cracker in her mouth and told her to go suck Mike. She looked kind of pleased at the idea.
Whore.
She was really curious as to what Edward had wanted during lunch. I told her to bug off and finish my math homework. She grumbled and obeyed. I’d have to keep a tighter rein on her now. She was all huffy and stuff because I didn’t give her a good story to gossip about. Whore.
Friday really really sucked most because my beloved Edward wasn’t there!! SOBSOBSOB. He had even told me he wasn’t going to be there because he was going on a camping trip, but I stilled hoped against hope that he’d be there. But he wasn’t.
And gasp!! Someone didn’t like me!! It was Inconsequential Girl #3, actually. I never even talked to her!! I was going to have to beat her beatingly with something. But Mike told her to shut it and she did. Maybe I’d get him an even better collar for Christmas…
Charlie knew all the kids that were going to the beach and all their parents and all their grandparents and all their pets and all their history and stuff like that. He liked that I was going to the beach with them, God knows why. “Sure Bella, go out in the freezing cold to the beach where wind chill will push the temperature down farther.”
I woke up the next day to bright brightness shining brightly through my window. Brighteningly. The sun was out! Yay! And there was a patch of blue sky!! Yay!! Ohmigawd it was so awesome!!! It was the first time I’d seen sun in over a month!!! It was cold though, so still no bikini.
So I left the window and went out to the appointed spot to meet everyone. Inconsequential Girl #3 gave me a dirty look so I shoved a cracker in her mouth and told her to bow down to me. Bitch. Mike was happy to see me though!
The beach was very grey. The trees looked kind of grey, the sand was grey, the rocks were grey, the sky was kind of greyish blue, the water was grey. It was greyingly grey and kind of depressing. Mike made a fire from the driftwood that came in off the ocean and it was blue. Fucking blue fire!! Apparently Mike was magical too. I’d have to keep my eye on him.
Then we went on a hike to the tidal pools. We had to hike through the woods to get to them, even though that makes no sense at all because tidal pools are generally found ON the beach, therefor not requiring us to walk through woods to get there. Except in this book because the author is an idiot.
When we got back, Indians from the nearby reservation had come to join us. I didn’t get any of their names because they’re Indians; who cares? We have their land now, what do they matter? I only got that one of their names was Jacob.
I sat with Inconsequential Girl #2. She was quiet so she never bugged me. Yay! She was my new best friend. After we ate lunch people started to scatter and do their own thing. Fuckers! They’re supposed to stay and watch me because I’m their ruling overlord! UGH! Obviously my hold on them was slipping… Probably due to Inconsequential Girl #1 and #3. They were bitch whores. I’d have to kill them later.
Jacob came over and told me my name. What the hell? Again? Was this a time skip and I was back at the first day of school? Why couldn’t anyone just realize that yes, I was the prettiest person there therefor I had to be Bella. Duh. But apparently I knew his family! So, since he was cute and all that, I spent the next bit of time stroking his ego and talking about cars, a subject I had already admitted to knowing nothing about!
Then Inconsequential Girl #3 decided to butt in and pretend to be better than me. Jacob shut her up though. I think I found my new lost puppy! It was so cute, watching him brush her off inconsequentialness. I batted my lashes at him and cooed.
“Come walk with me,” I said, still cooing cooingly. He had won my adoration because he shut up a bitch. Yay! So even though I was seventeen and he was fifteen, I flirted shamelessly. “So, what was that big tall man who’s name I think is Mondo Pain say about the Cullens?” I asked alluringly.
“Oh, they’re not supposed to come on the reservation at all, but I can’t tell you why,” he replied, looking allured.
“Ooo, tell me why?”
“Okay, but only in a weird cryptic story.”
And so he proceeded to tell me a weird story involving werewolves and vampires. And then he said that the Cullens [i]were[/i] vampires. Haha, as if.
Then Mike and Jessica approached and Mike stared daggers at Jacob who taunted him and stuff and I just secretly flirted with Jacob ’cause I’d totally used him in order to hear about him talk about the Cullens. That wasn’t stalkerlike at all.
And we left ’cause it was gonna rain soon. Ugh.
OMG-Nicki…this just keeps getting funnier and funnier! Keep going! I’m loving this!!!
So I heard you turned 20. Ahh the point of more nothingness. Hope it was a good day for you and I loved your cake. Happy b-day!