Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner
In my dream it was dark and the only light came from Edward’s skin. He was dressed in a bright pink tutu and even that seemed dull against the brightness of his skin. He looked like a freaking light bulb! He was prancing away from me and the only time I ever saw his face was when he did a little twirl and hopped into the air like a flamboyant gay man who just found out he had enough money to afford a sex change operation. After that he constantly appeared in my dreams in some form of drag. I never could figure out why. The dreams were so vivid and startling that it kept me up nights. It really sucked because I could swear I was getting bags under my eyes. Gross.
The next month was really really sucky because Edward wouldn’t talk to me at all. I started wondering if he was regretting saving my life. And then I got all depressed because we were supposed to get married and be all gorgeously gorgeous together and we couldn’t because Edward hated me. I got all emo and started taking more emo myspace pictures and once again started debating if I should slit my wrists and let them bleed blood out of my wrists which would be bleeding. With blood.
Apparently my mom caught on to how depressed and upset I was but I just told her to shove it so she went to go find Phil. Must suck to lose your GPS device, especially when it’s so… useful. I tried talking to Edward the day after The Accident, but he just gave me a disgusted look and ignored me. I was starting to realize that despite his superior looks… He was really a jackass with no personality. Not that I cared, we were going to get married. The question was how I was going to get back in his good graces.
Was I even there before?
I was completely obsessed with Edward because he was so fucking pretty. If he was female, he would prettier than me and that’s impossible. Mike really liked the fact that Edward wasn’t talking to me and he started following me even closer now and spending as much time alone with me as possible, especially in Biology, even though we weren’t alone because Edward was right there beside us at the desk I sit at that he sits at too and could hear every word because he sat at the desk I sit at beside me at that desk.
Funnily enough, the day of The Accident was the only day with snow. After that it rained and washed the snow away and for the rest of the month we had only rain and no snow. Maybe God hates me too. God must love Edward more than me, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. But it’s not logical because I have boobs, therefor making me better than Edward.
Then Inconsequential Girl #1 called and asked if she could ask Mike to the Girls’ Choice Dance in March. I told her if she kept him on his leash, I didn’t mind at all. She didn’t seem to believe me, but I told her I didn’t want to go to the dance and I didn’t. Unless it was with Edward. Then I’d go. Anyone else wasn’t worth the time.
The next day Inconsequential Girl #1 wouldn’t talk to me or stand by me or look at me or anything. And Mike was all quiet and weird too. It creeped me out. He lingered in Biology as usual before the bell rang. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Spit it out,” I ordered him.
“I wanna go to the dance with you,” he whined whiningly.
“I’m going to Seattle.”
“Oh…” He sidled off to his seat dejectedly. I think Edward was grinning but my new tactic was to ignore him entirely so I did.
Strangely at the end of class as I was gathering my things, I heard him call my name. “Oh, are you talking me now?” I asked snidely.
“Er… No.”
“Then why are you talking to me?”
“Because I wanted to tell you that we shouldn’t be friends.”
“Why don’t you just say it! You wish you’d let me die! I HATE YOU!” My emo-ness had come out and a grabbed my stuff, then tripped over my feet and fell flat on my face, my books and things flying every where. Casually, Edward picked up my things and stacked them neatly on the table and walked out the door.
I climbed to my feet and went to my next class.
Actually, before I could get to my next class, Pizza Face stopped me and asked me to the dance. I told him no because he has a pizza face. Then I went to my next class. Gym sucked.
After that I hurried to my truck and threw my stuff in and started the engine. I could see Edward watching me, looking so amused and haughty. I wanted to punch something because he was so damn beautiful and still not mine! Life isn’t fair and it should be because I’m better than everyone else! In my angry rush, I pulled out and hit a car that happened to be driven by the same person I’d squished before. This time their head was bleeding and they were crying hysterically. I waved a hand at them in greeting and moved on towards the exit.
Unfortunatey, Edward had pulled his shiny Volvo out in front of me and blocked it! He was apparently waiting for the rest of his perfect fucking family. I cursed them all and glared at his shiny car which was really shiny and actually kind of hurt to look at because it was so shiny. As we waited, Tokin’ Token approached and knocked on my window. I rolled it down a bit and gave him an outraged look. “Don’t touch my truck, you’ll get it dirty.”
“Yes’m,” he responded politely. “I was wondering if you had a date for the dance?” Was Token seriously asking me out after he tried to kill me? What was with the people in this town?
“I’m going to be in Seattle, actually.”
“Oh…”
“Move along, Token.” He waddled back to his car obediently and got in, waving at me happily. Now he absolutely had to be inbred. I looked forward to find the Cullens getting into the car and Edward laughing his ass off at me in the rear view mirror. I revved my engine in warning and he sobered up a little, speeding off ahead of me. I grinned and drove slowly home, muttering about how to successfully kill Edward.
Over dinner I told Charlie I was going to Seattle. He wanted to know why and I told him I was going to pick up some drugs, get drunk, and find a frat boy to play with. He just nodded and ate his echiladas. “Make sure you have plenty of money for gas,” he warned in a warning tone warningly.
I ignored him.
The next morning I pulled into the student parking lot and got out of my truck, intent on making it to my first class without running into Edward the Asshole. I dropped my keys though and stuck my butt up in the air and of course, Edward walked right into it. Crotch first. “Oh, I’m sorry!” He leaned forward over me and to the side, reaching around to pluck the keys from the puddle. This position was starting to turn me on. Crap.
He straightened and stepped around me and handed me my keys. I snatched them from him and glared glaringly. How dare he stop doi- I mean how dare he do that! “You’re really annoying.”
“You’re really amusing. I wanted to ask you something.”
“Fuck you.”
“Maybe later.” I glared at him again and he just laughed. “Want a ride to Seattle?”
I eyed him suspiciously with suspicion. “Is that some kind of crude innuendo?”
“No, should it be?” I glared at him again and he laughed in my face again. “No, I’m serious. Your truck isn’t gonna make it.”
Stupid shiny Volvo owner. “Fine.”
“Okay then.”
“Fuck you.”
“We really shouldn’t be friends.” I blinked at his sudden change of subject. He must have ADD or something.
“Why, do you have AIDs or something?”
“I might.” He blinked at me and tried to keep a straight face.
“Well if we shouldn’t be friends then why do you keep trying?”
“Because you smell yummy.”
“Works for me. Walk me to class?”
“Okay.
OMG, I have tears rolling down my face. Can’t wait for the rest of the chapters. My in-laws can’t understand why I don’t like these books… I never finished reading the first one. I like your take better.
Keep up the good work.
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Anxiously awaiting the next chapter.
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