Disclaimer: Any racial slurs presented in this work are not my personal views. Just throwing that out there.
Almost Died and Then Didn’t!
I woke up the next day and realized that the light outside was different without it being different. Then I realized there was no fog. Then I realized it had snowed. Ew. Despite the snow this was going to be a good day because Edward was going to talk to me more I just knew it. Which meant he was starting to like me more! I knew he’d like me, no one can help but like me.
I was thinking about how Pizza Face and Mike were fighting over me and how I could possibly use this to my advantage sometime, but I couldn’t really think of a way. It didn’t matter really because Edward was going to be my gorgeously gorgeous boyfriend soon.
I grabbed a small breakfast and then headed out to my car, wondering why I had so little trouble driving on the highway to school. When I got out I noticed something shiny and silver on my truck’s tires. Charlie had put snow chains on my tires in the middle of the night. What was he, the weather man? Jesus Christ on steroids. Either way they helped me so I guess it was okay.
Suddenly I heard screeching tires and looked up and grew several new pairs of eyes so that I could see several things simultaneously because I am amazing like that. I saw Edward standing four cars down and a bunch of people gawking and a big blue van skidding out of control in my general direction. And then I almost died and then didn’t!
Something big and hard hit me and pinned me to the ground and it was cold and icy and my head hit the ground and it really hurt. And I was cold. And the ground was all wet and icky. Shit, maybe I did die, that sounds horrible…Well, maybe except the hard thing pinning me down, because that turned out to be Edward.
People started screaming for me and somehow over all the really loud screaming I could hear Edward whispering to me, “Are you alright?” Of course I wasn’t alright!! I had nearly died!!! Was he that fucking dense?
But since he saved my life and all I figured I’d be nice. “Yeah, I think so. I can’t move though.”
“Oh, sorry.” He let go of me and as soon as his iron grip loosened, all the blood went rushing through my veins and stuff (because he’d been holding me so tight he slowed circulation) and then my head started to hurt.
“Ow,” I said in surprise. Who gets hurt in a near death experience? Certainly not me, I’m too amazing for such a thing. I swear, whoever is writing this crap is so not getting stuff right. I can’t get hurt, I’m the pretty fucking princess, bitch!
“How the hell did you get over here?” He had been four cars down and then he was saving my life, and how did he manage that anyway? It didn’t make any fucking sense!!
“I was right beside you the whole time, Bella.”
“Like hell you were! I saw you four cars down! You were over there!!” He gave me this look like he thought I was crazy, but he also looked really amused. Why did he find this amusing? Was he some sick twisted necrophiliac? EW!
Before I could say anything else, a group of faces somehow managed to peer in at us and everyone started shouting at us and crying a lot. What was with these people? I was alive right? Crisis averted. But they kept shouting and crying and I heard someone say to get Tyrone out of the car or something. Figured a black dude would try to kill me. Ugh.
“You were so totally by your car.”
“No I wasn’t. I was right beside you and I pulled you out of the way.”
“If you pulled me out of the way then why are we stuck here, hmm?” He didn’t say anything, just stared at me and started wiggling his eyebrows. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m mesmerizing you.”
“You’re what?”
“Nothing. Just pretend I was beside you the whole time and I won’t have to kill you.” Oh God, he threatened to kill me! Now I know I’m in love.
“Okay, but better get an explanation sometime.”
Finally a whole crowd of people arrived to get us out of our little hole between two cars. There was like, a dozen EMTs there. Wasn’t that like half the population of Forks? What the fuck kind of small town needs twelve EMTs?
They tried to get us both on stretchers but Edward managed to avoid that, then tell them that he thought I had a concussion. Fucking bastard! But while they were putting on a stupid neck brace, I noticed that the van had a big deep impression that looked a lot like Edward’s shoulder and arm. Not to mention his brothers and sisters all looked pissed off and disapproving. Why didn’t they like me? The whole school did including Edward now since he’d also saved my life. That settled it I was going to marry him.
Then Charlie appeared and started panicking and yelling and I told him to shut up because I was fine but he didn’t believe me. Stupid Edward got to sit up front in the ambulance.
When we got to the hospital, I was rushed into a room with a row of beds and since no one actually stayed to check on me, I yanked off the neck brace and tossed it aside. A second later, they wheeled in Tyrone, the black kid from one of my classes. He had to be the only black guy in the school. I should start calling him Token.
He looked all upset and anxious and started apologizing at lightning speed, which was fine by me. “I’m okay, Token, but you look like crap.” He ignored me and continued apologizing and giving lame excuses as to why he nearly killed me. Then he asked how I got out of the way so fast.
“Edward pulled a magic trick and got me out of the way.”
“Oh, okay. I’m glad you’re alright.”
“No thanks to you, Token.” He was probably toking too. Tokin’ Token. Bastard.
They wheeled me away finally to get x-rays taken but they found nothing. Even so, they made me stay in the fucking hospital. Token kept apologizing over and over and I was getting really annoyed so I told him to shut it and he said, “Yes, Massah” and then went right on grumbling, though a bit more quietly.
Then Edward came in and I started to glare daggers at him because he was such a prick even though he had just saved my life. Even so, he was so gorgeously gorgeous that it soon softened into a swoon.
Then his dad came in and I about pissed my pants. Edward was gorgeous and so was his dad and I couldn’t handle two gorgeous guys in the same room as me without a threesome being put in order. Minus Token. Unless he wanted to tape it.
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Cullen inquired inquiringly.
“I’m fine.” And so are you Dr. Cullen, want to take my temperature? Edward can check the front and you can check the back!
“Edward said you hit your head pretty hard.”
“Hard” and “head” in the same sentence. “Is it hot in here?” Of course it was, there were two gorgeous men in the room with me!! “My head is fine.”
He leaned over and tenderly felt the tender area on my head that was tender. I winced and wished he’d drop his hands lower. “Tender?”
“I’ve had worse.”
“Alright well your father is in the waiting room so you can go home but come back if there’s any issues.” I think I have a fever, Doctor!
“Can I go to school?” I don’t know why I asked that, I didn’t really care about school unless Edward was there.
“You should probably take it easy.”
“Does Edward get to go back to school?”
Edward shot me a condescending smirk. “Of course.”
“Fuck you, I wanna go to school!”
“Most of the school is here.”
“Okay, I’ll go home.” I hopped out of bed and sidled up to Edward. “You owe me an explanation.”
“No I don’t, i saved your life.”
“That’s why you owe me an explanation. You saved my life. How?”
“You’re delirious.”
“You’re a jackass.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Are too!” I stamped my foot and pouted. How could he argue with me? I’m always right! The princess is always right! “Did you lift the van off me?”
He laughed in my face. “What, am I Superman now?”
That was a good question. “Are you?”
“Er.. No.”
Well damn. That would’ve been really cool. “Well then how did you save me?”
“Can’t you just thank me?”
“Thank you.” I stood there and waited for more, since he obviously had a shitload of explaining to do. I wanted answers, damn it!
He stared back at me and blinked a few times. “You’re not giving up?”
“Uhh, no!”
“Crap.” Obviously he’d been hoping against the hope that I would stop asking and give up because I was so hopelessly in love with him, but I still had the hope that he would hopefully love me. Like I loved him. Hopefully.
Then we turned around and walked away from each other.
Everyone was so anxious to see me when I stepped into the waiting room and I beamed and waved all my loyal subjects. And then there was Charlie. “Oh hi.” He steered me to the door and got me in the cruiser and we drove away with me still waving happily out the window to my adoring fans.
Stupid Charlie had told my mom so of course I had to call her and tell her I was okay. About fifty bajillion times before she stopped asking and started insisting I come home. I declined her gracious offer because I was in love with Edward and I couldn’t leave because we weren’t officially together yet. Damn it. I’d have to work harder if wanted a marriage proposal by the end of week.
Though his saving my life was definitely a step in the right direction. Or something.
I decided to go to bed early because Charlie kept staring at me and I was beginning to wonder if my dad had turned into a pedophile. I wasn’t really tired though so I smoked some weed from his secret stash and hit the hay. It had to be some really fucking strong shit or something because my dreams were really weird. Edward was there prancing in a tutu.
“You’re delirious.”
“You’re a jackass.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
_____________
Dying here!I am being lazy but need to link the new chapts to the article I did letting people know. If they aren’t reading this, they are missing out on BUNCHES.
Just got caught up with this. I’ve not read any of the Twilight books, but I understand enough to catch the parody. This is great writing. Obviously, inherited from your talented mother.
martymankinss last blog post..Contest #1 – Your Favorite Snowy Sunday Episodes
Another good one, baby! I shall send out twats…
Oh, and… Thanks, Marty!
Lex Valentines last blog post..Release Day!
This is becoming an awesome satire. Love it.
I think you hit the nail on the head there! I hated the fact that she was so popular. I mean, no conflict whatsoever! “Oh, you’re not going to go out with the most popular guy in school, besides Edward, great then, because I’ve wanted to but because I like you, I won’t say anything.” I know, I butchered it, but that scene was so unrealistic.
“Edward was gorgeous and so was his dad and I couldn’t handle two gorgeous guys in the same room as me without a threesome being put in order. Minus Token. Unless he wanted to tape it.”
Coffee splurge!
This is great, keep ‘em coming!
Mina Carters last blog post..Woohoo!! Release Day for Feral!
Another great installment!
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